You’ve plucked up the courage to go and initiate a conversation with a girl in the coffee shop and things are looking good. She’s smiling, nodding and open to the approach. But very quickly you can feel the energy plateauing. You feel like you’re sinking in some kind of chit-chat quick sand. The small talk is sending the conversation plummeting towards the earth and you’re not sure how to recover. She tells you that she’s waiting for a friend and that she has to make a call.
You’re on a first date with a girl from work and it’s felt like it’s flowing nicely. You’ve got so much in common. After a couple of drinks you lean in to kiss her and she rejects it, telling you she “sees you more like a friend.”
In both cases, what happened? Where did all the attraction go?
Attraction between a guy and a girl comes down to creating and maintaining the right amount of sexual tension. Don’t be fooled by the common quote that woman want a “guy who can make them laugh.”
Many guys misunderstand attraction as “being funny” around girls or “telling jokes.” This is not what flirtation is. We’re not trying to be a children’s entertainer or get her laughing out loud. The idea is to become James Bond, not Jim Carrey. We don’t want belly laughs, we want her to feel the threat of our male polarity.
Do I Need To Learn Lines / Routines?
The pick-up community began by recommending guys learn long stories, routines and patterns to deliver to girls as set pieces. That is not this blog is about.
Don’t be fooled by instructors or companies that preach “natural game”. It’s an oxymoron in itself to “teach natural methods.” If you watch infield videos of them carefully you’ll see and hear lots of routines and lines that they’ve simply internalized and embedded over the years so they feel “natural” to them.
In the beginning 80% of your flirtation will have been rehearsed and 20% will be spontaneous. After a few years then this will switch to being 80% natural and 20% rehearsed.
The girl should always know that you’re neither a rude jerk or a misogynistic hater. That’s why the right facial expressions, voice tonality, body language and positive vibe behind these lines is so key.
Verbal or Non-Verbal
You can spot a guy who’s an expert seducer by his ability to seduce a girl without saying a word. There are actually two conversations going on when a guy chats up a girl – the verbal (surface) and the non-verbal (under-the-radar).
Most guys obsess about the former, while it’s actually the latter that’s way more important. This is what we can term as the “secret language” of seduction that women instinctively know if a guy speaks or not. It’s the alpha sexual state as the subtext underneath the push-pull friendliness of the actual text.
The pinnacle of non-verbal Game comes down to one thing: flirtatious eyes.
A real smile comes from the eyes, not the mouth. Humans are hard-wired to know the difference. When a man stares into another man’s eyes then that’s a signal of hostility and the first signs that a fight is brewing. When a man stares into a girl’s eyes then that’s a sign that he finds her sexually attractive. Nature’s taken care of this programming for us, so it’s vital that we understand it and use it.
Being an “eye player” is the epitome of the flirt. Sexual tension boils down to this. But first we have to start with the verbal. We have to kill off former bad habits with the scaffolding of words.
Be a value giver, not a value taker. Flirtation is win-win in that it makes both you and the other person feel good. The vibe we’re after is the same as the one you have with your best mates in the bar.
Flirting with girls and getting a good reaction is addictive. Lots of the pick-up videos you see online consist of just this stuff. It’s like rocket fuel.
However, as with any fuel, flirtatious attraction is vaporous, meaning it vanishes as quickly as it appears. It’s also volatile in that it can get out of control and ruin a potentially solid pick up. “Doing too much”, “trying too hard” or becoming “Mr Entertainer Dancing Monkey” is what we want to avoid. Think of these flirtatious spikes as the spices in a bland dish. Too much and the dish is ruined.
You’ve got to remember what the point of flirtation is. Playful teasing generates attraction. Attraction means the girl likes you and she’s hooked off your approach. Now it’s time to show her that you’re a normal guy and build rapport with her, or go into seduction if you’re on a date.
Flirtation has to come from a place of positivity. Sub-communicating this is vital. You need to have twinkling eyes and a boyish grin to pull it off. She has to know that you’re teasing her because you like her.
How to use this guide?
Like with any other skill, learning to flirt effectively takes practice. A lot of practice. The good news is that you can do it in baby steps rather than trying to become a master seducer all in one go.
Try implementing one or two teases each time you go out to meet girls and see the responses you get. “Field testing” this material is key, bit by bit.
Learn to be flirtatious with anyone and everyone. It doesn’t always have to be sexual. Just breaking rapport in a fun way is key. The old lady on the bus, the girl serving you your morning coffee, the postman delivering your mail. You’ll start to see that everyone loves quirky conversations that break the normal groundhog day chats that most people have on autopilot.
Making others smile will produce a positive feedback loop where you’ll feel good too, reinforcing the idea that what you’re doing is right. Win-win interactions is what we’re after, way beyond picking up girls.
Even though this guide presents the flirting spikes as lists, only experiment with a few at a time. Personalize them, find out which ones resonate with you and tweak them to match your character.
A good mantra to have when starting out in Game is to say to yourself “better too far than not enough,” so if you’re the quiet, timid Mr Nice Guy type then it’s ok to try breaking rapport too much when approaching to see where the line is.
Remember to always “fraction-ate” your spikes – i.e. break rapport then make rapport, so you’re both cold and hot. It’s part of universal push-pull that the seducer creates sexual tension by showing that he wants the girl but doesn’t need her, that there’s intent but also freedom from outcome.
Read part two here – https://janathapulse.com/how-to-flirt-with-girls-ii/